Like most human beings, I can be insecure. I also tend to be my worst critic, and I can be very hard on myself. Part of the problem is that I surround myself with such amazing people. Whether it's their career, college degrees, charity work, or home life, my friends are all basically super-stars. Yes, this is a motivator and inspiration for me. But at times I use it against me. I start thinking that they are giants, and I'm just, well, measly.
What if it was a huge mistake to quit an award-winning career to go into debt and go back to school to hopefully have a career that I truly love? What if it takes much longer than planned to get through school because I suck at math? What if my GPA isn't good enough to get me into grad school? What if I'm not successful in my new career, and school was all for naught?
I don't believe I'm doing enough to make a change in my community. I want to immerse myself in charitible organizations and engender a true feeling of helping others and impact lives. I want the hungry to be fed, the homeless to have warm beds, every incurable disease to have a cure developed, kids to feel safe at school and at home, addictions to be healed, prejuidice to be eradicated, and women to be able to live without a man--particularly an abusive and/or alcoholic man that only degrades her and makes her feel worthless. I just feel like I could do more than I currently am.
What if I never find true love? You know, the type of love where I am loved for precisely who I am. The type of love that allows me to finally let my guard down. This is something I truly want to have and give at some point in my life. Maybe it's because my 30's are knocking on the door and it was almost two years ago that my grandmother told me that I am an old maid. Not to mention how jaded and bitter I am. The end of my long-term relationship two and a half years ago really scarred me. Remnants of the feeling that I'm unlovable creep to the surface from time to time. I'd like to think I'm paring down the baggage from a 7-piece matching set to an overnight bag, but who's to really say?
Okay. All of that being said, I had a great conversation with my best friend today. She said something directed towards the general population that hit home with me:
It's amazing how self-doubt holds people back. They don't believe they can do it, so they don't even try. But if they would just do it, they would be surprised what they can do.
Bam! This is precisely my roadblock for the day. Myself. The thing is, I know it. I know my self-doubts are ridiculous, and I don't typically dwell on them. But do I really embrace my strengths? Do I go at something knowing 100% that it will be amazing because I did it? Alanis Morrisette has a song called "Not the Doctor". While the entire song isn't fitting here, there is a lyric that pops in my head: "See, this pedastal is high and I'm afraid of heights." I need to climb the pedastal that I put my friends on and leave my fear of heights behind. I know I am capable of great things. There are accomplishments to my credit that I would truly admire in someone else. So, enough of the self-doubt. Time for the self-embrace. Time to own who I am, my aspirations, and my dreams. Time to throw caution to the wind and live with abandon. Time to realize that I am eye-level with the giants.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
The "Making Eyes Couples"
In the general progression of a releationship, before couples make love, they make out. Before they make out, they make eyes. You know what I'm talking about. The intensely flirtatious look that women give to men that says, "I really hope this bonehead understands that I'm into him." Men give a look in return that says, "This chick is totally hot and she's looking at me. I wonder if she's into me? Or maybe there's something on my face." It's during that initial phase of attraction when you're getting to know someone, and on outward appearance they're checking all the boxes. Now it's just time to make sure that they are worth putting the effort into. So you make eyes to let them know to stick around for a bit, and maybe--just maybe--it could blossom into something more.
I've noticed them around campus this week. The "making eyes couples". Three weeks into the semester students are now starting to warm up to their classmates. They talk about the homework, upcoming quizzes, the crazy teacher. Perhaps at this point they are starting to share more personal information about themselves. And potential couples are starting to connect. You can spot these "making eyes couples" pretty easily. They stand closer than normal. Smile wider than the conversation requires. The girls look up at the guys from the corner of their eyes to make themselves appear more delicate and feminine than usual. The guys smile down at them and move their arms awkwardly to avoid an accidental brush of hands. You know what the brush of hands means. It means hold my hand, stupid. The guys aren't ready to communicate this yet. They haven't quite figured out that the girl is interested and they don't want to rock the boat. These tender young lives, away from the hierarchy of high school, are realizing there really are a lot more fish in the sea. Their eyes are on a particular prize catch, and they hope it won't be too much of a struggle to reel them in. It's darling, really.
It has been a long time since I had this experience myself. Making potential relationship eyes is different than making potential hook-up eyes. But honestly, the last time I made eyes at someone with the goal of having a long-term relationship was nearly a decade ago. It's worth mentioning that it worked. However, in the two years since that relationship ended, I have not made serious eyes at anyone. My look of interest is tempered by my guard. You may be good-looking, but you aren't getting past the velvet rope to my heart without waiting for a long time. And there is no VIP list. I just don't make "ask me and I'll say yes" eyes anymore. Maybe you need to be young and innocent to give someone that look. Your pride untouched and your walls not built yet. Perhaps that's why watching these kids almost seems magical. They are so hopeful for the future and have experienced very little disappointment. They give their hearts away because they don't yet know the cost. I hope they are able to go unscathed. If the person they are making eyes at now turns out to be the love of their life, that's fantastic. If not, I hope when their heart gets returned, it hasn't been worn or damaged and the tags are still attached.
I've noticed them around campus this week. The "making eyes couples". Three weeks into the semester students are now starting to warm up to their classmates. They talk about the homework, upcoming quizzes, the crazy teacher. Perhaps at this point they are starting to share more personal information about themselves. And potential couples are starting to connect. You can spot these "making eyes couples" pretty easily. They stand closer than normal. Smile wider than the conversation requires. The girls look up at the guys from the corner of their eyes to make themselves appear more delicate and feminine than usual. The guys smile down at them and move their arms awkwardly to avoid an accidental brush of hands. You know what the brush of hands means. It means hold my hand, stupid. The guys aren't ready to communicate this yet. They haven't quite figured out that the girl is interested and they don't want to rock the boat. These tender young lives, away from the hierarchy of high school, are realizing there really are a lot more fish in the sea. Their eyes are on a particular prize catch, and they hope it won't be too much of a struggle to reel them in. It's darling, really.
It has been a long time since I had this experience myself. Making potential relationship eyes is different than making potential hook-up eyes. But honestly, the last time I made eyes at someone with the goal of having a long-term relationship was nearly a decade ago. It's worth mentioning that it worked. However, in the two years since that relationship ended, I have not made serious eyes at anyone. My look of interest is tempered by my guard. You may be good-looking, but you aren't getting past the velvet rope to my heart without waiting for a long time. And there is no VIP list. I just don't make "ask me and I'll say yes" eyes anymore. Maybe you need to be young and innocent to give someone that look. Your pride untouched and your walls not built yet. Perhaps that's why watching these kids almost seems magical. They are so hopeful for the future and have experienced very little disappointment. They give their hearts away because they don't yet know the cost. I hope they are able to go unscathed. If the person they are making eyes at now turns out to be the love of their life, that's fantastic. If not, I hope when their heart gets returned, it hasn't been worn or damaged and the tags are still attached.
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