Like most human beings, I can be insecure. I also tend to be my worst critic, and I can be very hard on myself. Part of the problem is that I surround myself with such amazing people. Whether it's their career, college degrees, charity work, or home life, my friends are all basically super-stars. Yes, this is a motivator and inspiration for me. But at times I use it against me. I start thinking that they are giants, and I'm just, well, measly.
What if it was a huge mistake to quit an award-winning career to go into debt and go back to school to hopefully have a career that I truly love? What if it takes much longer than planned to get through school because I suck at math? What if my GPA isn't good enough to get me into grad school? What if I'm not successful in my new career, and school was all for naught?
I don't believe I'm doing enough to make a change in my community. I want to immerse myself in charitible organizations and engender a true feeling of helping others and impact lives. I want the hungry to be fed, the homeless to have warm beds, every incurable disease to have a cure developed, kids to feel safe at school and at home, addictions to be healed, prejuidice to be eradicated, and women to be able to live without a man--particularly an abusive and/or alcoholic man that only degrades her and makes her feel worthless. I just feel like I could do more than I currently am.
What if I never find true love? You know, the type of love where I am loved for precisely who I am. The type of love that allows me to finally let my guard down. This is something I truly want to have and give at some point in my life. Maybe it's because my 30's are knocking on the door and it was almost two years ago that my grandmother told me that I am an old maid. Not to mention how jaded and bitter I am. The end of my long-term relationship two and a half years ago really scarred me. Remnants of the feeling that I'm unlovable creep to the surface from time to time. I'd like to think I'm paring down the baggage from a 7-piece matching set to an overnight bag, but who's to really say?
Okay. All of that being said, I had a great conversation with my best friend today. She said something directed towards the general population that hit home with me:
It's amazing how self-doubt holds people back. They don't believe they can do it, so they don't even try. But if they would just do it, they would be surprised what they can do.
Bam! This is precisely my roadblock for the day. Myself. The thing is, I know it. I know my self-doubts are ridiculous, and I don't typically dwell on them. But do I really embrace my strengths? Do I go at something knowing 100% that it will be amazing because I did it? Alanis Morrisette has a song called "Not the Doctor". While the entire song isn't fitting here, there is a lyric that pops in my head: "See, this pedastal is high and I'm afraid of heights." I need to climb the pedastal that I put my friends on and leave my fear of heights behind. I know I am capable of great things. There are accomplishments to my credit that I would truly admire in someone else. So, enough of the self-doubt. Time for the self-embrace. Time to own who I am, my aspirations, and my dreams. Time to throw caution to the wind and live with abandon. Time to realize that I am eye-level with the giants.
So, just a thought. It has always been my experience that people tend to keep like friends. If the people around you didn't believe in you they would not still be your friends. The company you keep says alot about who you are and where you are going. Just focus on the drive and no matter how rough the road is you will eventually get where you set off to go. As far as the giants around you are concerned, they will always be your biggest cheerleaders and are patiently waiting for you to join them.
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