As Everything As I Am: The Story Behind It

I am not who I used to be. And thank God for that. These days I am the happiest I have ever been. In fact, my best friend, Christina, told me recently that she has never seen me so free, open and happy. We've known each other for nearly 7 years, so she's seen a lot of ups and downs in my life. Over the last couple years, I have truly reinvented myself. I had a dream a while back that I emerged from an egg (this was way before Lady Gaga did that) and I just took flight. Have you ever had a dream that just affects you profoundly? This dream did that for me. To me it symbolized a rebirth with new heights ahead.

So, just a quick recap of the last 2 1/2 years of my life. I became single after a steady 7-year relationship. I made the decision to finally act on my curiosity about vegetarianism. I finally got a chihuahua. Ever since the Taco Bell dog, I have wanted a chihuahua. I quit my 5-year successful banking career in the middle of the recession to go back to college. Yes, I was financially secure and now I'm really broke. But money can't buy happiness. I rediscovered my faith. For years I knew that I loved God and that He loved me. But similar to when you find an old dear friend on facebook, I reconnected with Him. I realized that I actually love myself, and I really don't care about what anyone else thinks. The insecurity of my teens and 20's has dissipated. It's so incredibly invigorating to live the life I have now. I never knew it could be this good.

All that being said, I have been considering getting a tattoo for a couple years, as well. I was drawn to the idea of a phoenix. This is a bird that ignites in flames at the end of its long life, but out of the ashes the phoenix is reborn. Its cry is a beautiful song. I have known for a while that this is how I feel inside. I feel reborn from a pile of ashes. But I could never quite figure out how I wanted it to look. I wanted a beautiful, colorful bird, but no pictures I looked at felt right. I couldn't even really imagine in my head what the perfect phoenix would look like. It needed some sort of twist. Then, a little over a week ago, Christina said, "What if you got a tattoo of music notes from a song that is important to you, and it had wings. The wings would symbolize how you've taken flight and you are living your life to be happy." She had me in tears talking about it. It was perfect and beautiful. That could be combined so perfectly with my phoenix idea. She then told me it would be my birthday present.

On Tuesday, I showed up at the tattoo parlor armed with my own pitiful sketch, some sheet music, and some pictures I found online. After taking a look at the sheet music and my sketch, the artist quickly simplified the idea and drew something so perfect that I never could have done on my own. Instead of the notes, he made the body a treble clef, and then added the words "felice mi fa" from my favorite Italian aria, which I learned to sing at the age of 13. Christina and our friend, Julianna, were there to hold my hands and remind me to breathe as the needle pierced my skin. At one point, it felt as though my ribs were being sawed in half. After two hours of nearly unbearable pain, I got off the chair and looked in the mirror. Tears filled my eyes again. But this time it was because the artwork was so beautiful, and such an incredible reflection of who I am. It will be there always to remind me that I deserve to be happy. I have the strength to rise from the ashes of hard times with a beautiful song declaring my happiness. I can be free and live my life to the fullest. I also love the Christian symbolism of dying to my sins and living again in Christ. When I look at the beautiful bird on my back, I see only myself. That bird is me, spreading my wings, singing a beautiful song, and being happy.